OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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