I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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