Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
