Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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