I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
