Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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