I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
