The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
