Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
