It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
