I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
