All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
