Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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