I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
this beer tastes like vomit already
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
