So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
