You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
They have beer where we have blood.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
