I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
