my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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