I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
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We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
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We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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