why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
