Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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