I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
