those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
