she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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