i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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