Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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