Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
