He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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