If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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