tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
