I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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