Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
