I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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