Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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