I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
