and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
