don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
