DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
