I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
