this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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