3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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