i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My liver just broke up with me...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
