Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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