I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
