I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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