Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
