You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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