I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
