I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
