she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
