He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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