this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
