my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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