shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
