you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
