The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When did angry sex become our thing?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
