Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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