It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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