If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if only i could text you this smell
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
